Facebook status/my insomnia

I watch this show every week about a young couple who gave their daughter up for adoption, to give her a better life. They also have a semi-open adoption just like I do, and tonight's episode the boyfriend/fiancee was having trouble coping with the adoption and how to grieve properly. Their daughter is 1.5 and they've only seen her 1 time, as they were handing her over to her new parents outside of the hospital. They get pictures and e-mails just like I did, and they're 17 while I was 19, but still....

Watching him cry made me cry, and yet McKenna was asleep on my lap, Ian was in the bedroom, and Hunter was in her bed. I had no one to talk to. I sometimes wish that our next baby will be a boy, so I can see what I'm missing. I don't want to live my life thinking "what if... I would've kept Andrew", "what if....", but deep down I know I made the best decision. I gave Andrew 2 parents that could love him, and then created the opportunity for them to have a family of their own with their own biological kids, so I essentially was the missing piece to putting Kortnie and Kaitlyn in the family with David, Jami and Andrew. I was the missing piece to give David and Jami the gift of Andrew, after their loss of Kiley, and creating their lives and the births of Kortnie and Kaitlyn.

Deep down I know there's a son out there that will be born to Ian and I, that will help me to grieve, and help me to grow and heal after 5.5 years of not having a chance to. I don't regret my decision to place Andrew with David & Jami, cuz I know they have given him more than I could've even tried to give him being a single mom. I just wonder... when is my time??? When is Heavenly Father going to give me a second chance to raise a son of our own/my own?? One that I can take home from the hospital, one that I can raise with Ian, one that will be Ian and mine, not someone else's??? Will that ever happen????

And on to another crying fit, so I can't type anymore. I'm sorry if I put any of you to tears, I guess I just have a lot in my head and a lot going on. We have a move that we're not financially ready for, but we know it's for the best of us, we have a marriage without temple recommends (and who knows when bishop will feel like we're ready for them), we haven't been to the temple in AGES... like 3 years...., and yet that's the thing that I need the most right now, and I can't even have it....

I want the best for our girls, and I want us to be out of this financial hole that we're in. I want to be OFF assistance, both from the church and the state, and yet every time I'm ready to cut them off, something happens and we're right back on it.... will this ever end??? Will I survive tomorrow, with having to get up in 7 hours for work, and then a day of packing, shopping and more packing, and oh yeah, dealing with 2 kids that get into everything??? Will Ian and I ever go to the temple??? Will Ian and I ever have a son??? Will we ever have our own house, and be happy with where we're at?? Or will we always be moving every year???

I know the best answer is to pray, and yet I feel like I can't. I feel like I need Lacey, like I need my mom, like I need someone that can talk to me, that will know what i'm going through... I need my cousin Sharon, cuz I know she can help me, but I don't have her number. Why is it when you need someone the most, no one is there for you???

And yes, we're trying to get you pictures of the girls up on the blog. Ian packed up the cords for the USB cable to hook the camera up to the computer, so you'll have to wait even longer. Sorry....

My love to all.....